


Do you not want me?

by orphan_account



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-08
Updated: 2015-06-08
Packaged: 2018-04-03 11:33:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4099480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gilbert has deep feels, whilst Mathew misinterprets and Kumijiro and Gilbird feel awkward.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do you not want me?

Prussia lay sprawled on Canada’s couch, half dressed and half awake. He made a sleepy noise, smacking his lips together. His milky white hair had obviously not been brushed in several days. His red eyes were half shut, staring vacantly at the wall. 

Gilbird sighed. He had been like this all day. It was getting boring. Just because Canada was busy working all day didn’t mean he had to loaf around and act like an invalid. It was just uncalled for. There was mooning around in love, and then there was stalking. This was crossing the line. 

Gilbert sat up slightly, blinking blearily. He sighed, and glanced down at his wristwatch. It was four fifty seven. Mathew would have to be home soon, right? Right?   
He flopped backwards again, closing his eyes. Mathew would be home soon. It was going to be okay. He would be here soon. 

Gilbert was in a constant state of denial over how much he longed for Mathew. When he was with him, it felt like nothing could make him any happier. When he was gone, it felt like he was empty on the inside. Nothing could make that emptiness go away except hearing Mathew’s voice, or hugging him, or being with him. Even reading a text from him would make the lonely feeling go away. 

Gilbert tried not to be clingy. He tried not to text too much, or call too much, or hang around his house too much. He didn’t want Mathew to think he was a creeper or anything. His most often employed excuse was that he needed to check up on his ‘little’ Canadian, and make sure he hadn’t gotten himself into trouble. To which Mathew usually replied with a flirty jab at Gilbert’s overprotective side. 

“Gilbird, go get me a drink.” he waved his hand sleepily.

Gilbird rolled his eyes. That was a trick Gilbert had tried to teach him a long time ago. It had never worked, and wouldn’t start working now.

Gilbert jumped ramrod straight in the air as he heard the jangling of Mathew’s key’s in the door knob. He looked frantically around the room for his shirt. Where had he tossed that thing? He wouldn’t want to look like he was begging for sex. That would be bad, even if it was true. 

Gilbird fluttered to the doorway, enthusiastically greeting Kumijiro-san and Mathew.

“Gilbert?” Mathew called, holding out his hand for the little yellow bird to land on. 

Gilbird, however, ignored Mathew’s outstretched fingers, landing on Kumijiro-san’s head and nuzzling him gently. He chirped happily, glad to finally have a   
friend who would pay attention to him. 

“I see where your loyalties lie.” Mathew murmured teasingly as he kicked off his boots. “Gilbert?”He called, voice suddenly getting five times more excited. 

“I’m in the living room!” Gilbert called, trying to act natural. Not having been able to find his shirt, he settled for acting as normal and nonchalant as possible,   
sprawling himself again on the couch. If he was going to look like he was begging for sex, he was going to do with confidence. 

Mathew jumped a little upon finding Gilbert half dressed on the couch. “Hello.” He said, unable to stop staring. Damn. That was hot. 

“Hi.” Gilbert’s voice cracked just the tiniest bit. He coughed once, trying to act natural. 

Mathew sat down next to him, holding Kumijiro just a little tighter. “How was your day?”

Gilbert tried to come up with something impressive and not pathetic to say. He came up empty. Wow. That was sad. Um. 

“You didn’t loaf around here all day, did you?”

Gilbert shrugged sheepishly. “It smells like you here.”

Mathew chuckled, scooting a little closer. “I would expect it to.” 

“How was your day?” Gilbert asked, reaching out and running his fingers over the Canadian’s blonde hair. The lack of physical touch was bothering him. 

“My day was filled paperwork and a very loud Alfred.”

“You poor thing.” Gilbert cooed, pulling him into a hug. 

Mathew couldn’t resist running his hands over Gilbert’s chest and shoulders. He had never seen Gilbert shirtless before. It was a very pleasant vision. He decided he liked very much the pale skin and shadows. 

Gilbert took a small sharp breath, fluttering his eyelashes a little. He would not become at all turned on by such a small, insignificant touch. It would not happen.   
He wasn’t that easy. He wasn’t. 

Mathew blushed, pulling away. He didn’t want to push for something. He didn’t want to hint. Even if he wanted it, he wouldn’t ask. 

Gilbert groped for something to say to take away the awkward knowledge that both of them were turned on by that encounter, but neither of them was brave enough to push for anything. 

“Tell me more about your day.” He gasped, crossing his arms over his chest and staring at Kumijiro-san. 

“Well… I enjoyed being able to brag about you.” 

“Brag about me?” Gilbert blinked, stunned. “To whom?” 

“Alfred, Iggy, France a little. It was quite nice actually. They were quite happy to hear all sorts of details.” Mathew made a self satisfied little nose, grinning. “I’ve   
decided I like bragging about you.”

Gilbert pulled his arms tighter over his chest. Goosebumps prickled over his arms and he shivered, closing his eyes. Not here. Not here. Not now. 

“I got to tell them about how happy and silly you are.” Mathew continued, oblivious to Gilbert’s response. “How happy I am with you. They told me I should have come out of the closet sooner. I don’t think I would have wanted to come out with anybody but you though.” He turned to Gilbert to find his boyfriend sitting curled up, with clenched fists and eyes squeezed tight shut. 

“Gilbert? What’s wrong?” Mathew reached out to touch Gil’s shoulder.

Gilbert shook under his touch, curling smaller. “Why’d you tell them?” He whispered hollowly. “Why?”

“B-because I’m proud that you’re mine.” Mathew whispered. “I-is that bad?”

Gilbert stood up, and began to pace around the room. He clenched and unclenched his fists, shaking his head furiously. This couldn’t be happening again. Not again. He didn’t want the jeers again. He didn’t want the cries of fear from young children whenever he walked near. He really didn’t want them to try and drown him again. He didn’t want that. He wasn’t a spawn of Satan, he swore. He wasn’t broken, was he? 

“Gilbert, what is wrong?” Mathew set aside Kumijiro, standing up. He tried to pull Gilbert into a hug, but was shrugged off.

“Why?” Gilbert repeated under his breath. “Why, why, why?” 

“Did you not want people to know about us?” Mathew’s voice cracked. “Are – do – did you not want them to know about us?”

Gilbert moaned, sinking to his knees. “Mein Leibling, Ich leibe dich immer und fur immer. Ich sitte nicht - ich will – ich liebe dich! Ich nicht tun will zu krankend dich! Ich bin schlecht! Ich bin sehr schlecht. Ich bin nicht gut! Du wille sie es aufgehackt durch mir!” He started to rock back and forth, still shivering and moaning.

“Gilbert, Gil, I don’t know what you’re saying. Gil, I’m sorry, I don’t understand.”

“Ich wille absats dich! Ich bin Teufel Brut! Ich bin Schlecht!”

Mathew pulled Gilbert into a tight hug, rubbing his back gently. “Gil, baby, calm down. I love you, okay? Calm down. Take a deep breath, okay? You’re hyperventilating. Gil, look at me.” He gently grabbed Gil’s face, forcing the frantic man to look him in the eye. “Breathe. I’m right here. I’m sorry. I love you. Just breathe.” 

Gilbert continued to mumble fervently in German. Actually, it sounded kind of like he was praying. Or begging. Maybe both. 

“Gilbert, I need English, and I need it now.” Mathew gently shook Gilbert’s shoulders, still rubbing his back. This was beyond freaky. What the hell was wrong? 

“I’m sorry!” Gilbert finally gasped, burying his nose in Mathew’s shoulder and hugging him tight. “I’m sorry!”

Mathew rubbed his back more, still quiet. “Ssshhhhhh. I’ve gotcha.”He finally said.

“Tut mir Leid.” Gilbert murmured. “Tut mir Leid.” 

“I’m sorry too.” Mathew finally whispered. “I didn’t realize telling people would make you so upset. I – If I had known that you didn’t want people to know about me, I wouldn’t have said anything.” 

Gilbert shook his head viciously, trying to free himself from the clinging strings of past memories. “Nein. Nein, nein, nein, nein.”

“If – if you don’t – “Mathew bit his lip, holding Gilbert tighter. “Do you want me?”

“Ja! Ja! Of course I do! Tut mir leid, I let that get away from me. I am sorry!”

Gilbert started to pet Mathew’s hair, touch his shoulders, a kiss his cheek. Anything to communicate what his voice was still too shaky to say. 

“Ich liebe Dich.” He finally managed, kissing Mathew on the mouth. “Ich liebe dich.”

“I – I love you too.” Mathew blushed. “If – if that’s not why you were upset then – “

Gilbert winced, holding Mathew even tighter. “It’s nothing, I overreacted.” 

“Nothing? You were pacing and talking in German. You were shaking and moaning and you fell over and that is not nothing!” He gave Gil a defiant look. 

Gilbert curled smaller, hiding his face in Mathew’s comforting red sweatshirt. “It was nothing.” he mumbled, hands starting to shake again. 

“Moooooooose.” Mathew dew out the nickname far too long, tangling his fingers in Gil’s hair and pulling his head softly out of his chest. “Tell me.”

“I –“ Gilbert bit his lip, tucking his chin next to his chest. “I don’t want it to start again.”

“Don’t want what to start again?”Mathew asked gently. 

“I – they – I’m no good.”

“I’m gonna tell you right now I will never agree with that statement, but you go ahead and defend it. Why are you no good?” 

“They – I’m albino, I have red eyes, so I’m a child of Satan. I’m left handed, so the devil works through me. I didn’t die when they tried to drown me, so I’m involved in witchcraft. I tried to confess that I was a homosexual to the pope and he finally excommunicated me. He excommunicated me. I thought he could pray and fix me. But they threw rocks at me.”

“Baby.” Mathew cooed, pulling Gilbert halfway into his lap. “I’ve gotcha.”

Gilbert whimpered, going limp and sliding into a puddle on the floor. 

“Baby, I love you okay?” Mathew blanket hugged him, imaging in his mind that he was shielding his beloved from words and barbs, thrown rocks and worse. “I love you. There’s nothing wrong with you.” 

Gilbert moaned. “I’m fine, I’m sorry, this is nothing.” He sat up, rubbing his eyes furiously, hoping to hide two small tears that had blossomed from the corners of   
his eyes. 

“This is not nothing. It may not affect your everyday, this may not be something I see every day, but it’s broken and hurting and I want to help fix it. “

“I – I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Gilbert said, rubbing his eyes again. “But thank you.”

“Thank you for telling me.” Mathew hugged him again. “It – thank you. I want to be able to help.”

Gilbert nodded, clenching his fists and taking a deep breath. “We can’t let anyone know about this. People might lose faith in my awesomeness.” 

Mathew chuckled. “Well, we can’t have that happen. It doesn’t even bear thinking about.” 

Gilbert sniffed one more time. “You especially can’t tell Germany, okay? He might think I’m becoming weak or something.” 

Mathew nodded, pulling away a little. 

“No, don’t go.” Gilbert grinned and kissed him gently. “I want that mouth where I can reach it.” he rolled the two of them over so he was on top, and grinned again. 

Mathew squeaked, sitting up straight and scooting closer. “O-okay.”

Gilbert looked the Canadian over. He was just too sweet. And loving. And kind. He was too good for him. Too good. 

“Du bist ein Leibling, ja?” he muttered, pushing Mathew back and kissing him again. “Ja.”

“I don’t know what you just said, but it was really hot.” Mathew said, blushing. 

Gilbert grinned, self confident overly cocky side bouncing back fast from his breakdown. “You like?”

Mathew nodded, squeezing his eyes shut and turning his head away. 

“Well, there’s more where that came from.” 

Mathew squeaked as he was roughly kissed again. 

“I love you, okay?” Gilbert whispered.

“I love you too.”Mathew murmured, gently touching the side of Gil’s face. 

“Now, about fixing this massive hard-on I have….”


End file.
